


You Said

by AuroraExecution



Category: Weiß Kreuz
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Drabble Collection, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-02
Updated: 2015-04-15
Packaged: 2017-11-20 01:59:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 54
Words: 5,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/580041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AuroraExecution/pseuds/AuroraExecution
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of 100-word drabbles on the strange, bittersweet, painful relationship between Aya and Yohji. Some angst, some humor.</p><p>(Word count based on MS Word, so AO3's count may look slightly off.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You Said

**Author's Note:**

> Aya POV.

I hate you, because you promised.

' _Forever', you said, and I didn't want to believe you, but I did_.

I hate you because you promised, and then you broke your promise.

' _I'll always', you said, but you didn't have always._

I hate you because I broke your promise for you.

' _I'm here', you said, and then I let you go._

I hate you because there was nothing else I could do.

' _I love you', you said, and I wanted you to smile._

But, most of all, I hate you because…

' _I love you', you said._

' _I love you…'_

…I replied.


	2. Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A series of 100-word drabbles on the strange, bittersweet, painful relationship between Aya and Yohji. Some angst, some humor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very very angsty one. I hate cheesy romantic movies involving cliche rain scenes. You have to do it really well for me to like it. And I feel like...this is something Yohji would say, it's teasing and cute and somehow really sweet at the same time, which is how I see Yohji's personality.

"If one day you make a dramatic love confession to me, don't do it in the rain," Yohji teased one drizzly afternoon as they watched a cheesy movie. "You'll catch something."

"Hn," Aya replied. After a silence, Yohji began again, his voice softer.

"And, Aya?"

"Yes?"

"When you leave, promise you'll pick a sunny day. The rain will just make you sad."

Except he never got a choice. It was pouring as Aya departed the hospital, with no sword and no Yohji, just a broken promise and a white cross around his neck and tears he didn't remember he had.


	3. Tears and Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A series of 100-word drabbles on the strange, bittersweet, painful relationship between Aya and Yohji. Some angst, some humor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not quite as pleased with this one in comparison to the last two, but the scene wouldn't leave my head until I wrote it down.

Aya was doing something he hadn't done for a long time, and now he couldn't stop.

He huddled in a ball in Yohji's arms, but no matter how Aya twisted his face away, Yohji kept holding on.

And Aya was falling. He was falling out of himself, falling apart, falling down and down and down and down…

…and into Yohji's embrace. Yohji held him together, refused to let him break.

"Stay," Aya ordered, commanded, _begged_.

"I always will."

Aya held on tighter.

"I _promise_ , Aya."

Later, Aya looked back and wondered if they could have guessed that Yohji was lying.


	4. He Forgot To Let Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A series of 100-word drabbles on the strange, bittersweet, painful relationship between Aya and Yohji. Some angst, some humor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the first fluffy drabble I ever wrote for them. I guess...I'm pleased with the titular line, it gives me a nice feeling.

"Hold on to me and pretend you care, and when I'm asleep you can leave and forget everything."

Yohji's eyes were uncharacteristically clear, and slightly pleading, something Aya had never seen before.

Aya said nothing, but reached out to embrace Yohji, because Yohji wasn't asking for anything difficult, and was even telling him not to involve real emotions. It should have been simple.

He did what Yohji asked. He held on tightly, watched as Yohji smiled, pretended and pretended until Yohji relaxed in his arms and slowly fell asleep.

And that was when Aya erred.

He forgot to let go.


	5. They're Not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A series of 100-word drabbles on the strange, bittersweet, painful relationship between Aya and Yohji. Some angst, some humor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aya POV again. Takes place as Aya is leaving Weiss for what he thinks is the last time, probably in the middle of Kapitel (1st season, at the end of the Takatori arc). It could also work for their last breakup before Gluhen, but I think it feels more like the end of the Takatori arc.

I walk away slowly, thinking this scene seems all too similar to a trite romantic tragedy, but with no choice except to keep going.

It's the end of Weiss, the end of us.

He doesn't stop me anymore.

He tried. He always tried. He tried to make it normal in a world that wasn't. He tried to pretend I was— _we were_ —right together.

The problem is that we weren't.

And after trying and trying and trying, he finally let me have my way.

I told him not to stop me.

And those, in my eyes…they're not tears.

They're not.


	6. Diamonds Are Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A series of 100-word drabbles on the strange, bittersweet, painful relationship between Aya and Yohji. Some angst, some humor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Valentine's Day special, without all the schmoop.

_Quality Diamonds for Your Sweetheart_ , claimed the advertisement. Yohji sighed. Aya would murder him if he came home with a girly necklace. Especially one with something "personal" engraved on it.

Chocolate was popular, but, again, there would be death, of the Aya-induced variety, if Yohji gave him chocolate like some high-strung schoolgirl.

And Yohji wasn't even going to _touch_ the idea of flowers. Just…no. He liked all his body parts.

\--

When Aya woke, he found a note on his nightstand.

_Aya,_

_Good morning, I love you._

_Yohji_

Beside the note was a bottle of aspirin tied with a pink bow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, for those of you who are completely confused. Aya and Yohji work in a flower shop. Aya wakes up and hates his life a lot because flower shop + hormonal girls + valentine's = horror. Therefore, aspirin = god. Does that make any sense? If you're still confused, feel free to ask.


	7. Strings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yohji POV.

I live by strings.

The one from my watch, that protects me.

The one on my finger, that connects me.

The one in my heart, that carries me.

The deadly string I kill with, the invisible string that brought him, and…and…

Every moment beside him. Every time he lowers his head to hide a smile. Every thing I've ever done for him.

He never did say anything, but neither did I. It's not something we talk about, anyway.

But…it was there, that "love" that isn't really flowers and poems.

I know, because it was the string I held on to.


	8. Definition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aya POV. Something he wouldn't say but might think in the middle of some dark night.

They say Love is roses and starry nights and romantic kisses beside a twilit ocean. They say it's tenderness, and embraces, and going out.

But that's wrong, don't you know?

Love is when he hits you and tells you you're being a fool to give up, even in such a pointless, sin-stained life.

Love is letting him in when he comes home drunk after you've fought, and carrying him in to sleep it off.

Love is when you've never said a single kind thing in his direction, but he forgives you after you yell at him again.

I would know.


	9. If You Ever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yohji POV, after Weiss breaks up before Gluhen. 
> 
> Title taken from a song by Sinead O'Connor. The rest of the song lyrics are...well...suitably Aya/Yohji-ish, but not really in the vein of this drabble.

There are certain things that regret does to a person.

We didn't talk about a lot of things, and back then it was fine, because we said we didn't need it. But nights and nights of thinking later, suddenly I wish I'd let myself be a fool and talk about those things.

Obviously, it's too late now.

But, if we ever meet again, I'll tell you. I won't ask you to reply, but I'll say it.

'Cause, you know, sometimes I wonder. Maybe it _wasn't_ enough back then.

If you ever, somehow, could hear me, I'd say every foolish word.


	10. One More Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yohji POV, pre-Gluhen, post-OVA breakup.

All I can think anymore is that I'd like one more. One more chance. One more try. One more time.

Something aches inside, and I don't understand.

How can I miss someone who's no longer mine to miss?

But all I want is to go to a place that's warm and sunny and green, where there are no tears or blood or pain. And I want to find you there, and have you hold me, just once, as I fall asleep, and I want to never wake up again.

I want you to be mine to miss, one more time.


	11. Gratitude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a continuation of the Valentine's Day Special. In Japan, V-day is when girls give boys stuff, and white day is when boys give girls stuff back. I don't actually think of Yohji as being the girl, but it was a good excuse to have another little fluff piece.

It wasn't like he _had_ to give Yohji anything. It was _just_ White Day. Yohji had _just_ left aspirin.

But…it _wasn't_ 'just aspirin'. It was concern. It was an understanding of what Aya really needed. It was Yohji's way of caring.

And it wasn't just the present. It was everything else that Yohji did, every day, to try to make Aya happy.

So Aya felt like he should do _something_ in return.

At least no one had to _know_.

* * *

Yohji really, really needed a drink after working White Day.

He was happy to find a bottle under his bed.


	12. What I Want To Say

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aya POV. 
> 
> Warning: contains coarse language.

Sometimes I know what I want to say to you if I had the chance. Other times it seems to slip through the chinks of my mind.

I don't want to remember you anymore. Not when you don't have to remember me.

I don't want to feel like you're missing.

You weren't supposed to break through the wall I put up. You promised you wouldn't leave, even though I told you we couldn't make promises.

Fuck you.

You lied, even if you didn't mean to.

Your promises didn't mean anything in the end.

And, God help me…I love you.


	13. The Name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yohji POV, post-Gluhen, mentions of Side B. 
> 
> For those of you who would like a quick background: Yohji has amnesia, is now named Itou Ryou, and married his nurse. Ken shows up at his house one day, and Yohji gives him Aya's katana that Yohji borrowed at the end of Gluhen. When I thought of this, I could just imagine Yohji, unable to remember who he is, but finding just a snatch of his past, and holding on to that.
> 
> This drabble was inspired by the song "The Name" by Tony Leung (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBYtxHO-m_U), in which the singer says he's "forgotten how to forget" his lover's name and wonders if his own name has already disappeared from the lover's heart.

All I can remember is _Aya_ , and that the katana is important, because it's his.

Because _Aya_ is important.

Sometimes I wonder if he's forgotten my name. If he wonders whether I've forgotten his name.

I've forgotten how to forget it.

I thought I was happy, but now all I do is try to remember.

Why does _Aya_ have a girl's name? Who was the "friend" who knew where to deliver the katana? Why was I sad to see him take the katana away?

I don't know.

I don't know anything.

All I know anymore is _Aya_.

_Aya._

_Aya._

_Aya._


	14. Haves and Have-Nots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometime during Kapitel or so, probably after Aya starts up his angsting again, most likely after a mission.

"You think your life is crap, Aya, well, what about the rest of us?" Ken demanded, finally exploding.

"What do I have that's worth anything?" replied Aya coldly.

"What do you _have_?" snapped Ken, "Unlike Omi, _you_ have a family that loved you! Unlike me, you have _someone_ outside of Weiss! And unlike Yohji…" Ken trailed off.

Aya raised an eyebrow.

"Unlike Yohji, you've got a reason to keep going," finished Ken harshly as he left.

Aya's eyes widened. A few minutes later, he was upstairs, pulling Yohji firmly into his arms and whispering fiercely, "Now you have a reason."


	15. Truffles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time frame is probably sometime in or around Kapitel.

The first time Aya had a truffle was when he was very young. His father had received a box as a present, and Aya was allowed to try one. He found it terribly sweet.

The second time Aya had a truffle, Manx had given them a box when she came to brief them on a mission. Aya thought it was rather bitter.

_"I don't like chocolate," Aya growled, which only made Yohji smile more widely._

_"No one doesn't like chocolate," the blond replied._

The third time Aya had a truffle, all he could think was that it tasted like Yohji.


	16. Apples and Oranges

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably occurs somewhere in the time where they're trying to sort of start a relationship, before or early Kapitel.

After convincing himself ten ways from Saturday that he and Yohji were nothing alike and would be horrible for each other and should never engage in anything beyond a friendly professional relationship, Aya found his best argument was just that they were incompatible, like oranges and apples.

Aya was an orange, fine to look at but sour to taste. Yohji was an apple, sweet and rippling with colors, drawing people to him.

Yohji laughed when Aya gave "apples and oranges" as his argument against the two of them together.

"Haven't you ever heard of fruit punch, Aya?" Yohji demanded, winking.


	17. Rain Falling onto His Hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Post-Gluhen drabble. 
> 
> For anyone who needs a refresher: at the end of the Gluhen arc, Yohji loses his memory and marries his nurse. Amnesiac Yohji calls himself "Itou Ryou". Itou is the surname of the nurse he married.

Itou Ryou feels like it's always raining in his dreams.

It's raining as he runs through dark rooms somewhere, searching for…what?

It's raining as he sits in a dim basement with three almost-visible faces, watching videos of people…dying?

It's raining as they speak to him, in voices he almost remembers, saying things he can't quite understand.

It's raining as blood flows off his long coat, and a strong hand pulls him up.

It's raining as he holds…someone… _Aya_ …whose face he doesn't remember, and his heart aches.

One day he realizes it was never rain, just his own teardrops, falling onto his hands.


	18. Fill In The Blank

They cared for ( _and loved_ ) each other.

They didn't like to admit things ( _even when they both understood_ ), and some days they couldn't look at each other anymore ( _because it ached_ ).

But somehow they found they needed ( _and loved_ ) each other.

Sometimes it was hard to tell, especially when they fought with ( _and hurt_ ) each other, letting their anger cloak everything else ( _because they were afraid_ ). Ken and Omi were always wanting to kill them ( _or lock them in a closet_ ).

Even so, they meant something to ( _and loved_ ) each other.

And they were the only ones who ( _never_ ) knew.


	19. Fairy Tales I: Once Upon A Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First part of a set of two, "Fairy Tales".

"And then?" Aya demanded.

"I thought you didn't like fairy tales, Aya?" Yohji raised an eyebrow. "Too unrealistic, I thought you said."

"Well, you can't just stop before it ends!"

"Can't I?"

"You wouldn't." Aya pouted minutely, but it was more than enough for Yohji to see. The blond laughed.

"And then…they got to be together."

"Did they live happily ever after?"

"They didn't believe in happily ever after, but they were pretty happy for as long as they had, yeah."

Aya sighed. "I…kind of like that."

"And _then_ ," Yohji continued, "They had lots and lots of—"

"Yohji!"

"…children?"


	20. Fairy Tales II: Ever After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second part of a set of two, "Fairy Tales".

"Once upon a time there was a man who hated living, because everyone always died. One day, he met a prince who was so handsome that everyone loved him. The prince wanted to be friends, but the man desperately tried not to care, because if he cared, the prince would die."

Yohji winces at the hidden meaning. "What happened to them?" he asks.

"The prince married a princess and lived happily ever after."

"That's wrong."

"It's _my_ story, Yohji."

"The prince stayed with the man until they were both old." Yohji continues. "And there's no such thing as ever after."


	21. Cell I: Phone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First part of a two part set, "Cell".
> 
> Takes place after Gluhen ends. Aya has already been living in America for a bit, and Yohji, who has amnesia, is married to his nurse Itou Asuka and calls himself Itou Ryou.

A tinkling tune begins to play. Ryou takes out his cell phone and frowns at the unfamiliar number.

"Moshi moshi!" Ryou declares brightly as he answers.

There is silence on the other end.

"Moshi moshi!" Ryou tries again.

A click. The dial tone sounds.

On the other side of the line, Aya slips his phone into his pocket again. He'd just hacked into a Japanese database to obtain the number, and then called someone he wasn't supposed to know.

Why did he do it?

To be completely honest with himself, he just wanted to hear that voice one more time.


	22. Cell II: Call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second part of a two part series, "Cell".

Aya's scowl deepened considerably when the girly pop song that Yohji had apparently put on his phone began playing.

"Yohji," Aya growled.

"Oi, you could at least _try_ to sound a bit happy."

"I usually do when you're not calling."

"That's harsh, Aya. Hurts right here." The sound of Yohji pounding his chest.

"Just tell me what the hell you want."

"You." Aya cursed at his rising blush.

"Yoh—"

"And Omi wants some vinegar."

" _Got_ it."

In the next grocery aisle, Nanako-chan whispered loudly to Mayumi-chan, "Looks like Aya-kun has a _girl_ friend…"

Aya's scowl deepened just a little further.


	23. A Letter From Yesterday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place during Side B, after Yohji has lost his memory and all.

On a sunny, unsuspecting afternoon, as he emptied his pockets in preparation for laundry, Aya found a bit of paper inside an old coat. Upon unfolding it, Aya had to sit down on his bed.

He stared at it for a long time.

_Don't forget to pick up the package at the post office! ~Yotan._

How long ago it was that Yohji had torn off the corner of a notepad and scrawled such an everyday reminder for him.

Suddenly, Aya couldn't stop rereading the sentence, in that painfully familiar handwriting, over and over.

Suddenly, he couldn't put the note away.


	24. 10 x 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This drabble is set close to the last one, after Yohji has gone amnesiac and Aya has moved to America.

Some days, he ran to his bedroom, frantically rifled through his possessions, found a small rectangle, and spent the rest of the night desperately clutching it in his hand. It was his last link to Weiss, but he hadn't yet had the heart to throw it out.

He remembered not wanting it in the first place, but Omi insisting they all have one.

He wondered if any of the others still kept theirs.

Somehow, in the blurry photograph, his own face was almost content, and Omi and Ken looked honestly happy for once.

Yohji's smile, as always, was agonizingly beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To clarify the chapter title, 10x15 is a standard photo size in cm, approximately equivalent to a 4x6 photo in inches. I don't know how Japan measures their photos (they're Japanese, so it's possible they use some completely novel and different system), but I picked cm, since everyone besides the US uses metric.


	25. Essence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this in large part because I was getting annoyed at seeing every single Aya/Yohji fic EVER describe the way Aya inhales Yohji's manly scent of musk and cigarettes and alcohol, or Yohji burying his nose in Aya's hair and smelling the cinnamon and vanilla and shampoo and Aya-essence. I swear I don't hate smell descriptions, I just thought it was high time someone wrote something more like this. Somehow I just can't write them mushy, I guess, and I really don't imagine Aya smells like any sort of baking ingredient.

"Why do you wear that stuff, Yohji?" Aya spoke up quietly, his nose buried in Yohji's hair.

"Clothes? Be…cause…I don't think they'd let me in to public facilities naked?" Yohji quipped, grinning. Aya snorted.

"No, I meant, why do you wear the aftershave, or cologne, or whatever it is?"

"Well, I guess…it's supposed to make me smell good."

"To who?"

"Well…other people… _you_ …"

There was a short silence before Aya suddenly blurted, "Don't wear it anymore."

"You don't like it?"

"It's fine."

"Then…what's wrong with it?"

Aya's reply was slow and tentative. "It's just…I think you smell better than it does."


	26. Realities

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aya POV, most likely during Side B.

What is reality?

Reality is focusing yourself entirely on some everyday task so you can't remember how much you wish you weren't awake.

Reality is emptiness, each day no different from the last.

Reality is forcing yourself so far that you forget you're still human, because you don't feel human anymore.

Reality is forgetting to say things and regretting it later.

Reality is making wishes that can no longer come true.

Reality is waiting for something that's not yours anymore, because you didn't hold on tightly enough when it was.

Reality is a faded "I love you" keeping you alive.


	27. Twenty Questions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this as fluff, but when I reread it I suddenly realized it was also a little sad.

It was a phrase, Yohji had told him, insisting Aya should loosen up for a bit and play what Aya thought of as a completely pointless game.

"Is it…something _you_ would say?"

"Hmmm…yes."

"To me?"

A devious grin appeared on Yohji's face. "Yes."

"Is it serious?"

"…Sometimes."

"Is it said _to_ someone or _about_ someone?"

"To someone."

"Yohji—"

"Just keep asking, Aya."

"Do you always mean it?"

" _Yes_." And from the seductive way Yohji smiled, Aya knew the answer.

"I want you."

"Oh, baby, I want you too," Yohji laughed. "But…I was _actually_ going for 'I love you.'"


	28. Time Machine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yohji POV, set during Gluhen.
> 
> Inspired by the song "Time Machine" by Alice Nine, which talks about similar things.  
> [link to song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36xudw6TWws)

You look at me, and your eyes seem to be maybe a little sad, but I can't tell anymore. I haven't been able to tell for a long time.

We ended this a long time ago. No more flirts, no more kisses, no more caring. It's better this way. But somehow I'd give up everything we've done just to go back to that for a moment.

The world began again, and we walked farther apart, and it's much too late to find the past anymore.

If we could turn back time, would you go back to that era with me?


	29. The Last Dance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by a Chinese song: "The Last Dance" by Tony Leung.   
> [link to song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6ltL6JGbhc)
> 
> Set around the time Aya leaves Weiss for the last time before Gluhen.

The room was empty of everything save them, and dust, and the lingering feel of grief. Yohji held on, even though Aya wasn't his anymore, even though they should have parted ways already.

They danced.

There was no music, not now, except what they heard in their heads. They wondered if they were crazy, and they held on.

They danced.

And suddenly, they were both crying silently, staring over each other's shoulders, forcing themselves to ignore the overwhelming pain, forcing themselves to keep moving.

They danced, and danced, knowing it was the last dance.

In the morning, Aya was gone.


	30. I Didn't Love You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aya POV, post-Gluhen/Side B era.

For years and years, I didn't love you.

You meant the world to me, your hands kept me whole, you made me continue breathing.

But I didn't love you.

I defended you, I shattered in your arms, I _needed_ you.

But I didn't love you.

We spent our days together, we spent our nights together, and sometimes we spent our dreams together.

But I still didn't love you.

And after you were long gone, after I didn't have a choice anymore, I realized. All the things I did and felt—they were exactly what I refused to believe they were.


	31. Leaving on a Jet Plane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place after Aya leaves Weiss for the last time before Gluhen. The song lyrics and title are from "Leaving on a Jet Plane" by John Denver.

Yohji shut the door, picked up the suitcase and walked down the stairs alone. He got in the taxi waiting on the street. There was no one to say goodbye to anymore.

The driver started off, turning up the volume on a sad old American ballad.

_Kiss me and smile for me_

_Tell me that you'll wait for me_

_Hold me like you'll never let me go…_

Aya didn't mean anything now, Yohji told himself. Aya was gone for good. Aya hadn't wanted Yohji to hold him and never let him go.

Yohji wasn't sure why he was suddenly crying.


	32. Some Things Are the Way They Are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from the song "Never Saw Blue" by Hayley Westenra. 
> 
> Takes place probably some time before the OVAs, when they're vaguely in a relationship.

"Yohji?" Aya asked one sunny afternoon.

"Yes, Aya?"

"I…" Yohji waited patiently as Aya struggled to express himself. "We…"

"It's all right, Aya."

"It's just…it's…hard to find the right sentences."

Yohji smiled. "Don't worry, Aya. Not everything has to be said." He reached for Aya's hand. "Sometimes it just makes sense."

"Then…is it…?"

"All right? Of course it is. I understand." Yohji tugged a little on Aya. "Come on. It's too nice a day to spend thinking about such serious things."

_Some things are the way they are, and words just can't explain…_

Encouraged, Aya smiled, squeezed Yohji's hand, and followed.


	33. Breaking Point

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This drabble is pretty much a fanfiction of a fanfiction. I wrote it quite a while ago, while reading fire_mystic's "Distraction" (only available on LJ and FFN), back when Aya and Yohji were deepest in their unhealthy relationship. The drabble can stand alone, but I feel like it's necessary for me to at least say what inspired it.
> 
> The way I wrote it, it can be taken outside of the context of "Distraction" as well. In that case, it's probably occurring somewhere around Kapitel, assuming the two of them are somewhat involved at that time. Although, I still recommend you go read "Distraction" at some point or another.

I will always remember the day you fell apart.

For days and days and weeks and months, you pretended, and I saw through you, but sometimes I wasn't sure. You were cold, because you were afraid.

I knew this. I just could never be completely positive.

But you forgot one thing. I wasn't happy with a pretense. If you wouldn't come out of that hard, frigid box for me, I wouldn't continue this way. It took me too long, but I eventually stood up from my black hole.

And I ended something.

And you broke.

And we began something better.


	34. Magi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Christmas special. Inspired by O'Henry's short story "The Gift of the Magi", but less depressing.

Every year on the lunar New Year, Omi insisted that they all exchange presents. Generally, Aya and Yohji just bought something or other for their teammates.

But…this year was different. This year Aya wanted to do something a little more special, because…well, because. Yohji probably would.

So after Ken and Omi had already received their gifts, Aya turned to Yohji, and the two said in unison, "Your present's in the garage."

When they opened the door, they were silent momentarily, before both suddenly smiled.

Aya's gift had been to clean Yohji's beloved car.

Yohji's gift had been to clean Aya's.


	35. Communication I: Unanswered Message

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First part of a two part set, "Communication".
> 
> Takes place after the team breaks up for the last time before Gluhen. 
> 
> I realize their text message capabilities are a bit...advanced for the era, but we'll just say Kritiker gave them super advanced cells or something.

It had been weeks since Aya had left the team. Weeks since Yohji had seen him. Weeks since Yohji had stopped pretending he had ever meant anything to Aya.

He told himself Aya wanted to forget Weiss, promised himself he wouldn't be the one who broke down and tried to contact Aya.

It had been weeks, but when he woke up screaming from a nightmare, Yohji lost all inhibition and reached for his cell. ' _Where are you?_ ' he typed with hands shaking, and sent the text before he could regret it.

He waited.

And waited.

And waited.

No reply came.


	36. Communication II: Because

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second part of a two part set, "Communication". 
> 
> A continuation of the plot in part 1.

He woke to his phone blaring into his ear. Blearily, Aya stared at the screen, which displayed the only name he never wanted to see there again.

He opened the text message. _Where are you?_ Before he could think further, Aya made himself delete it.

Not because he didn't care that Yohji probably had a good reason for calling at two in the morning.

Aya desperately wanted to answer: _please forget about me_.

But he knew if he did that, it would mean he cared.

He didn't answer because he couldn't let Yohji hurt himself anymore from believing in him.


	37. Preferences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre-Gluhen, assuming they're in some sort of bizarre relationship.

There are certain things he hates about Yohji.

He hates the loudness, the shameless flirting, and the revealing clothes. He hates the constant party that makes up Yohji's person, hates how Yohji always gets his way.

He hates the feeling that Yohji will be someone else's one day.

But…he likes the safe feeling of Yohji's arms and the way he smiles, likes that Yohji never asks him to be anything else. He likes that Yohji lets him have his space and always forgives him at the end of the day.

He remembers this, and forgets what he hates about Yohji.


	38. The Lost Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place in Side B-era (or some equivalent), but you don't really need to know that much about Side B for it to make sense. Pretty much, it's after Yohji has lost his memory, and Aya has gone far away and joined another team.

His teammates stare when he gets like this, and he knows but fails to care.

They whisper among themselves about what exactly is wrong.

He knows. His performance has lagged just a bit, and he stares into the distance and withdraws back into himself.

He can't help it, though. Every so often it tugs at him, faint and frail, but inescapably there and still painful.

He never tells them about his Neverland that he left behind, because they don't need to know, nor would they understand.

They wonder why he's lost.

The better question, he thinks, is _who_ he's lost.


	39. Stages I: Refusal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First part of a two part set, "Stages". 
> 
> Gluhen-era. 
> 
> Warning: contains coarse language.

It was hard to see Yohji everyday, as if they'd never separated, but so painfully aware of what the separation had done.

Aya felt himself desperately wanting to apologize. But when "I'm sorry" actually came out one day, Yohji snapped.

"Fuck you, Aya. You were important to me once, and you knew it. But you didn't care what happened to me when you went on with your life. You don't know what it did to me. Do you expect 'I'm sorry' to make everything better? I don't love you anymore, Aya. Why _should_ I forgive you?"

And he walked away.


	40. Stages II: Acceptance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second part of a two part set, "Stages". 
> 
> I used "stages" as the set title because I felt like this was similar to the stages of grieving.

Yohji didn't want it, but it ran through Aya's mind incessantly. He was so terribly awfully sorry for _ever_ leaving, for _ever_ pushing Yohji away. He was sorry it was too late to say he was sorry. He'd thought at the time that Yohji could—and would—do better than him. He'd thought…well, he'd thought a lot of things.

All he wanted now was a forgiveness he did not deserve.

And yet, Yohji looked up at him from the collapsing chamber, "I love you" in his eyes.

It had been a long time since Aya had cried quite so hard.


	41. Wastepaper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time period is end of Gluhen, after Yohji loses his memory. Aya goes to Yohji's old place to clean up after him, in case anyone finds out about Weiss from looking through Yohji's things.

Aya tried to ignore the dull ache in his chest as he searched Yohji's now-empty apartment for incriminating leads to Weiss.

A crumpled note sat on the top of the wastepaper basket, and Aya could see his own name scrawled over the top. He picked it up in morbid curiosity.

 _Aya,_ it said, and then there were several scratched-out sentences.

 _I guess_ , it continued, then several more illegible scratched-out lines, before finally, _~~I love you~~. ~~I love you~~. I love you. Please come back. ~~I love you~~. I love you. _

Aya closed his eyes.

He took the letter with him.


	42. Dreams · Opposites · Peace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place around Kapitel.

Sometimes he dreamed of peace.

He knew exactly what it would be like.

It would be days—and it didn't matter if they were sunny—filled with Aya.

They wouldn't do much, really.

They would simply live.

He would smile every morning, because he couldn't help doing so when he woke up with Aya still there.

He would make coffee for himself and tea for Aya, and the two mugs would sit together, comically opposite, just like their owners.

And there would be lazy afternoons, with Aya in his arms, that felt like forever.

Some days, Yohji had his peace.


	43. Jewels

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set in Gluhen-era.
> 
> The ficlet was inspired by the song "Jewels" by Alice Nine, which in short has a message of "Our relationship isn't what it used to be, but I will always treasure the memories". The stuff in italics are NOT song lyrics.

Tsujii was so thrilled with the diamonds Yohji gave her that she missed him staring blankly, thinking of Aya.

_Things have changed between us_

Yohji didn't love Tsujii, but she was beautiful because she could give him what the people he loved had taken away.

_But the memories you gave me will always shine_

And yet, Tsujii wasn't as beautiful as Asuka, because no one could be. Except for Aya. And Tsujii wasn't as beautiful as Aya either, because Yohji loved Aya and he didn't love Tsujii.

_Even if you're gone, I'll remember them_

Some things were better than diamonds.


	44. What Hurts the Most

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place one or two months after Aya leaves Weiss for the last time before Gluhen, on a particularly pensive day for Yohji. Vaguely Yohji POV. 
> 
> Title borrowed from the song "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts. I'd highly rec the song; even though it doesn't really fit with the drabble, it fits rather nicely with this relationship.

He'd known it would end.

Yet somehow afterwards Yohji can never put words to what stings the hardest.

It's not the lack of touching, even though that had been good. But it was about more than just the physical.

It's not the breaking of the illusion that he's no longer alone. It was about more than the company as well.

It's not even the feeling that Aya doesn't belong to him anymore, even if Yohji wishes otherwise.

In the end, he realizes, what hurts the most is the feeling that Aya never quite belonged to him in the first place.


	45. Never Once

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place during Kapitel.
> 
> Warning: contains coarse language.

The only indication of Yohji's anxiety that night was the stream of cigarette smoke pouring from his mouth. "Stop smoking," Omi pleaded, "It isn't helping."

"I will when they come out."

* * *

Ken knew Aya was worried from all the cursing. "Calm _down_ , Aya," Ken finally snapped, "Foul language isn't going to get us out sooner."

"I'll calm down when we're out then, fuck it."

* * *

Never once had Aya admitted he cared about Yohji.

But in the moment after Aya emerged from the collapsed building, the look in his eyes was enough, and Yohji could care less about never.


	46. Graveyard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Post-Gluhen, right before Aya leaves Japan. I think somewhere it's said that some of them have fake graves (I believe Aya has one), so I figured Yohji might have one too.

He'd known this would happen someday.

He'd dreamed of standing here, in front of the cold stone marker, still unable to let go of his hard-won self-control.

In his dreams he'd seen Yohji smile as he let go. He'd seen Yohji leave him for the warmer, sweeter arms of Death, and he'd dreaded and predicted it, both at the same time.

But Yohji _wasn't_ dead, _wasn't_ lying under the gravestone that bore his name.

Aya knew he should be happy, but all he could think was that Yohji was as far away now as if he had really died.


	47. Confrontation I: Final Battle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First part of a two part set, "Confrontation". 
> 
> Takes place during Gluhen.

Aya's eyes followed the silvery nigh-invisible thread dispassionately to where it twined around his neck. "What are you doing?" he demanded, voice flat, manner cool.

Aya was always that cool, wasn't he? He'd been just that cool both when he killed dark beasts, and when he'd walked out because he hadn't needed Weiss, or Yohji, anymore.

So Yohji laughed. Laughed at the fool that was Kudou Yohji, laughed at having such hopes and wishes in the past when he knew he couldn't afford them, laughed, most of all, at having Aya at his mercy now.

Somehow, his laugh tasted bitter.


	48. Confrontation II: Game Over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second part of a two part set, "Confrontation". 
> 
> Continuation of the plot from part 1.

Usually, the game was over when the boss fight ended, and the heroes headed off to their happy future lives.

But Weiss didn't live by _usually_.

The climax hadn't come—Koua still stood and Essett remained undefeated. And yet, as he waited with the wire around his neck, staring into the crazy, desperate look in Yohji's eyes, Aya knew how the game would end.

He'd lose.

Usually, in the last battle, the hero defeats the villain. But the ending when the hero has to face someone he once cared for beyond all logic, Aya knew, could only be

Game Over.


	49. Fools

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of Gluhen.

Stupid Yohji.

Stupid Yohji just _had_ to have the mind-erasing drink so he could forget the way he had watched helplessly as his first true love was killed.

Stupid, stupid Yohji, who had never, ever learned, even though that's why he got the tattoo.

Stupid, stupid, _stupid_ Yohji, who had ignored Aya's protests and held him until he was warm again, and forced him to fall in love.

Stupid Yohji, who had hurt so badly and just wanted rest, but who had made Aya unable to let go.

Stupid Yohji, making him cry like an idiot.

They were both fools.


	50. Observations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omi POV.

I always wondered at those two as I watched them. They were so oblivious, so…so…stupid.

Of course, we were all stupid, weren't we?

But they were a special brand of stupid. They spent all their time clinging tightly to each other, while claiming they didn't want to be together. They repeated over and over that they didn't deserve love, yet they couldn't survive without it.

They tried so hard to protect each other from being hurt by refusing to love each other, but...

They couldn't see that, in the moment they wanted to protect each other, they _already_ loved each other.


	51. How To Save A Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title of this one comes from the song by The Fray.

"No."

"Why not?"

" _No_."

"At least try it?"

"No."

"Give me a reason?"

"…no."

"Look, Aya. I know you've had shit happen in the past, and it's made you afraid of trusting anybody. But if you trust me to save your ass from dark beasts, you can trust me to take care of you. I've been through just as much crap as you have, but I know, even if you get hurt, it's always worth trying again. Can't you just…" _Sigh_. "…try for me?"

"…"

There was a drowning look in Yohji's eyes, and Aya had to save him.

"Maybe."


	52. Magnetism

They always have the same argument.

"Why won't you let me love you?" Yohji pleads.

"Why do you think love is the answer to everything?" Aya replies.

Yohji averts his eyes.

"Love isn't going to magically make everything go away, Yohji. It's not going to make us stop feeling miserable and guilty. It's not going to make the world into a kinder place. We'll still be killers, trying to find a way to justify ourselves. We don't _deserve_ love."

Yohji never argues, always just smiles.

"I love you," he says simply.

And Aya can't help but be pulled back in.


	53. Endless Breadsticks

Omi took birthdays very seriously, and Aya’s was no exception. Bombay had reserved a table at an expensive Italian restaurant, dressed his team in formalwear, and forced Yohji to chauffeur with the Seven.

As soon as they were seated, a waiter automatically brought them a basket of breadsticks, complete with tomato sauce. Yohji grinned conspiratorially and began…not eating… _suggestively consuming_ , Aya decided.

“Oh dear, Yohji,” said Omi helpfully. “You’ve got some _sauce_ on your _breadstick_.”

“Maybe you should lick it off,” suggested Ken, grinning evilly, and for once Yohji agreed with him.

His team, Aya concluded, was both cruel and unusual.


	54. The Littlest Fan

The sun was setting as Yohji flipped the “open” sign around and strutted over to watch in fascination as Aya did the closing routine.

“Please stop staring,” Aya finally gritted out. Yohji’s tender smile turned predatory.

“Am I _distracting_?”

“Yes. Please go.” Yohji took that as a challenge.

When they finally broke the kiss, Sakura was standing in the doorway.

Aya paled. Omi _had_ told Sakura she could ignore the closed sign.

“Er…Sakura…” Yohji began. “We didn’t mean…”

“No, no,” said Sakura, to the surprise of the two men, “Please, continue.” She sighed dreamily. “You guys are _so_ _cute_ together!”


End file.
